Malis Living Gravestone

"Am I trans enough"

Am I trans enough?

I mean when looking at my gender I mainly go based off hating to be called or treated like a man.

They/them or non binary don't feel uncomfortable but just inaccurate, like if someone called me a table. That wouldn't be uncomfortable but just wrong. Now if they were constantly doing it, I would probably start to get annoyed similar to how I get annoyed from being called "man".

But "woman" doesnt make me uncomfortable. Sometimes it even makes me happy.

And I mean I'm even taking HRT.
I mean thats not very cis.

But then again I dont actually believe that.
Like I think of Body and Gender seperate.
My desire to be a woman and my desire to have a feminine body are seperate the same way my desire for feminine clothing or long hair is not tied to my womanhood.
Don't get me wrong to some extend they are expressions of my gender and are tied to it in many ways.
My point is they dont have to be.
And I'm pretty damn sure would I detransition then I would simply change my name back and be a pretty boy with tits.
I'm starting to finally like my body. Don't think that would change if I ever realized I'm not actually a woman.

Now I am pretty sure I'm trans and yeah I sometimes struggle calling myself a woman but I am very sure thats just regular insecurities and things like that.
But sometimes there's these thoughts like "am i really this?"
Its like, if I'm the leader of like a group project. I know I'm the leader. Logically this is my role, I'm comfortable here and this is what I do and how I like to be addressed. 99% of the time this is where I see myself.
But then theres these times and thoughts come up. "I dont look like these other project leaders", "I dont act like them", "i do things differently".
Like I know I am but do I deserve it?
Imposter syndrome or what you want to call it.
Logically I know we're the same (and of course I'm aware not everyone in a group is the same and there are also many trans woman who are very similar to me) but sometimes I just think "how can I be like them when they're so different?".

I have this idea of trans women in my head, maybe its from my time when I thought I was cis and trans people were just some marginalized identity for me I had nothing to do with.
Maybe my disconnect to this identity, this community, also just comes from me being so used to disassociating for so long in my life that i sometimes have trouble seeing myself anywhere.
Like I see them and I dont see me there. But like when have I ever seen myself anyways..

....

Then I think 2 minutes more, realize it's dumb and move on with my day.
These thoughts of "not feeling trans enough" are not serious insecurities or struggles in my life. But they are thoughts I have sometimes and I wanted to try to share how I have them, maybe someone can relate and do something with that.
Like it's not that deep for me I guess. It might sound a bit much but realistically I just overthink shit and this isn't actually something that concerns me a whole lot and the vast majority of time I feel very comfortable to call myself part of the trans community.

I dont think I have a quick solution if you do struggle with this stuff more seriously. I guess just fake it till you make it? Like insecurities are normal and everyone has some and don't think you're not trans enough. It's like the whole thing with "if youre a boy then all your clothes are boy clothes", if youre trans then what you're doing is a trans person doing stuff - might be different to how others do it or maybe it doesnt fit into societies conventions of what a trans person is or should look like but like - whatever.

It can be difficult to know whether these thoughts are genuine questions of whether you're trans or if it's just normal insecurities that will go as time goes on. For me personally, the longer I have been out the more comfortable I got with calling myself a woman and being trans.


published: 02.02.24
last update: 01.03.24