Disclaimer:
This is a very intimate essay on my reason and thought process behind making a nude self portrait. It's pretty much an extract from my diary (my real one, not the one on this website) but I thought it might be interesting to share.
Also I cencored the genital area in the sketches for my own comfort posting this.

I also later turned the sketches here into a full painting.

30.09.23
I sketched myself in the nude after watching blue period.
They did it in an episode. The main character and another one each drew themselve in the nude. Talked about how it can help you figure yourself out a bit. There was also an emotional scene with Ryuji in that episode, the trans character.
Seeing such an intimate moment, especially with a transfem character was very beautiful. They were very beautiful.
The main character saw himself as pathetic in the nude and that was sort of his takeaway but I mainly focused on how breathtaking Ryuji was.

I decided to look at myself in the mirror. Questioning if I wanted to do this too ( I was thinking maybe for self portrait day ).
Ive been looking at myself in the mirror more and more since HRT (about 6 months in as I did this project).
When I was younger I sometimes looked at my reflection for longer with curiosity.
Then as i got older with disdain.
And now - I dont know

Perhaps its wonder. Wonder that I can actually look like that.
Curiosity to see where it'll go.
But also judgement - a lot of judgment.
What's feminine? Whats' masculine? Do I pass? How dysphoric does this make me? Do I WANT to look at myself?

This time though, I think I was looking if I was a worthy model. I wasn't looking at myself as a person but as an object of artistic expression/ perception.
I tried looking at myself the way I look at others when I draw them, the way I often look at them through day to day, just with admiration.
And well I decided to finish the show and then just go for it.

The beginning was a bit akward
I liked my body most when I held my arms high. It looked the most appealing to me this way.
(but that made it harder to draw because I had to keep lowering my arms to actually draw)
I made a point to include my dick, it is the part I was most self anxious about here but also it belongs here I think.
I wanted to show a trans body as it is.

I really enjoyed all the folds and curves and angles I had. The folds on my chest and belly, the slight curves on my hips, and all the angles on my shoulders, neck and collar bone.
I started to get more comfortable and appreciate my body slightly more.

The one on the left was the first where I accidentally made a pose that made me instantly flip the page to draw it.
I even drew my sketchbook just wanting to get the full pose/scene. Trying to draw the eye in the face as observing myself.
Drawing the anatomy (even if the proportions aren't quite right) felt really natural. I was playing with the triangle shaped shadings on my neck and collar bone.

Then I decided to sit down, enjoying the folds on my tummy.
I left the arms out to show those folds more, deciding to just cut off the right arm as it didnt fit the image.

I always made sure to very roughly sketch my hair.
Im not sure why but I wanted to make clear that these drawings were me, that this is a thing I made and that whoever sees it in my sketchbook can recognize it.
The intimacy of sharing a nude self portrait is a big point of what can make it meaningful (as was mentioned in blue period).
Though it does mean I'll show my sketchbook to fewer people from now on.

I wanted to let loose here. I had this ink brush I rarely use so I just went at it.

A final quick sketch.
Just again focusing on the shading on my chest.
Since HRT I started to enjoy looking at this area, even if its not where I want it to be.

There were times when I was younger, I remember not minding to look at my body the way I did last year (when I was 18).
When I was like 15- 16 and I looked at my workout progress in the mirror, I enjoyed that too.
It was different than now certainly, now I feel more like myself, but I didnt look at myself in discomfort like I did with 17, 18.
And I dont know why honestly.
I can come up with reasons that could explain it, but ultimately I'm not sure why I felt this way. Why my disphoria affected me different throughout my life and the things I was comfortable with or not changed.

I also had this nice shadow on my leg near my crotch, the one coming from my hip flexor muscles that can form a sort of V-shape on some people.

Others judgement

In the show they also talked about caring about what others think about oneself.
So whats my thoughts on this? Since I'm also sharing this here.

Well I used to care quite a bit.
There was a time I cared more what others thought of me than what I thought of myself.
I was coping with dysphoria I guess and just being the boy everyone wanted me to be was easier than questioning how I see myself, questioning what I actually liked and how I actually wanted to look.

I still care about others opinions of course.
I think thats natural, being a social species and all, I think we need that love of others, so of course we care what people think.
But if it's too much, especially about random strangers, then it gets toxic.
I think me being trans helps in a way.
Like there is a big thing of "do they see me as a girl?", "do i pass?" etc. and that's kind of shit, especially when knowing a lot of them don't see me as who I am. And some say they do to be polite but still see me as different nonetheless in their mind.
But also, I know some people will always hate me and some will always see me as a man.
No matter what I do.
And that's sad and frustrating but also calming, because you realize that they don't matter.
I don't value them in my life at all, so they can hate me all they want
(this would get tricky if a person closer to me would hate me for being trans instead of strangers but I'm such a social shut-in, as well as being lucky in my environment that I didn't have to deal with that yet)
Of course sometimes it still hurts to be reminded of the hate though.