How I knew I am trans

My gender journey
You're getting the long details so sit down

I started questioning myself for a while.
When I was about 15/16 I started to realize I wanted to present more feminine.
I've had troubles with my self image for a while.
When I was a kid I've always wanted long hair but never had the courage to ask for it. I was really shy. So my parents always made me go to get my hair cut short and I hated it. And I think I've internalized for some reason that I can't control how I look and that I would just present for others.
For years I had this mindset that as long as others are pleased with my appearance, I'm fine with it. After all I'm not the one who has to look at myself all day.

Which is dumb and really toxic but it is what I thought. I didn't think I was ugly conventionally speaking, but I didn't like how I looked. And I've always wanted a more interesting fashion sense because I loved fashion but I never knew what I wanted, which was probably because I only ever considered presenting as a boy which was never appealing to me regardless of the clothes.
So eventually once I started to get rid of some of the toxic masculinity I had I realized I wanted to present feminine with dresses and skirts.

And it took me a while to build the courage to finally get these things but it was great the first time I wore it. I basically waited until I couldn't take it anymore so the fear of continuing to live like this was worse than the fear of asking for it. I was greeted with a lot of gender euphoria and started to have those moments where I actually liked how I looked.
At this point I also grew my hair out finally. Which looked really bad for a while because I have a big ass forehead and when I grew it out I didn't cut myself bangs anymore and that just wasn't it.
I even started wearing these things to school eventually with suprisingly accepting reactions.
But I still wasn't comfortable.

I knew I liked the clothes but it just wasn't enough. I still had this jealousy of other girls and I thought I just needed more of the clothes I want to be happy.
I did also start to question my gender identity but never entertained the question for too long. I thought since I didn't have this severe self hating dysphoria that I saw in media whenever people talked about trans people, I thought it couldn't be me. I just didn't relate to that. Didn't really hate myself and as a kid I didn't care much for any of this gender stuff. I literally thought I can't be trans because I had a good/ decent childhood. (I do feel like I missed out on a girl childhood but there were still many positives).

I was even thinking that I might be genderfluid because I guess that felt "easier". Mind you at this point I figured I was bisexual, but I didn't come out to anyone except my girlfriend because it didn't really matter. As long as I'm not dating a boy which won't happen because I have a girlfriend, why would anyone need to know. And while it wasn't nice to be in the closet like this, it was safe and I thought being genderfluid could be the same. Being cis in public and a girl in private...
But that's not how it works and I never identified with the label genderfluid.

Regardless when I finally had all the clothes I wanted to have on my 18th birthday and I still felt the same way, I started to really question myself intensely.
I've thought about my childhood and possible signs. How I was often mistaken for a girl online and sometimes in real life and would always find it "funny" and not understand why they apologized so much after I "corrected" them. I thought about how I never liked my name and wondered if it was just because people teased me with it (you can easily turn it into an insult) or because there was more behind it. And I also thought about how I wished for a more feminine body shape for a while now.
But I also thought about how I wasn't sure if I actually minded my pronouns or how I was perceived as a boy.
The song "idk if I'm a boy" by Blue Foster really spoke to me at the time.

But it all came crashing down when I had my english graduation exam. For context we wrote it in the gym halls because of the pandemic and I was wearing jeans that day. I started to hate these jeans at this points. The way they looked and felt on my body made me really uncomfortable but I wasn't sure with the skirt, especially because it could get quite cold in the gym.
So I wore these uncomfortable clothes and felt like crap.
And then I saw this girl and had the typical thought: "I wish I would look like that". The only issue was that till then I justified these thoughts by thinking it was just about the outfits to me, but she was only wearing sweatpants and a black shirt. So then I thought: "wait do I want boobs?"
And that's how I had an identity crisis during my finals (still got an A- though because it was english and I'm gay)
Regardless this gender envy made me question even harder.
I soon found the "gender dysphoria Bible" which helped me hugely. Not only did it get rid of my misconceptions of what a trans experience looks like but it also went into detail of the effects of HRT.
And when I looked at that list and wanted every single thing on it, I started to become convinced that I was trans.
Another thought that helped me was the realization that trans men go through so much effort "just" to be a man so that must mean some people do genuinely like being men/ boys. And that it wasn't true that "everyone is just a bit uncomfortable in their gender".
I started to realize that wanting to be a girl in the way I did, essentially meant I was one.

And I did sort of question a bit longer if I was really a woman, however I was always sure on HRT. I knew I wanted to change my body regardless of what my gender ends up being and I was sure I wouldn't regret that. If at some point I were to figure out I'm actually a just a man or non binary or whatever, I'd still be happy to have boobs.
(I'm not saying you have to be THAT sure of HRT yourself to really want it or have it be the right thing for you. It was simply my experience)
So in the end it was the gender envy that made me realize.
I'm not saying having gender envy necessarily makes you trans because gender is complicated but it is worth considering.
At the end of the day, if you are questioning, just keep in mind there is no hurry. I know you want to find out and just finally be at peace, when I was questioning, I wished I could just ask my future me what the answer was, so I could finally be done with it, but that's not possible.
And also keep in mind your answer doesn't need to be final. It's of course hard to come out again and say you were wrong about it but that doesn't mean it's not totally ok for that to happen.

Social Transition

Coming out etc.

Now I'm not going to go into too much detail here as it's a bit more private, but here is a rough outline of what I did after I figured I was trans.

Since I figured it out when I was almost done with school, I decided to just wait till it was over, since I wouldn't be seeing most of the others in school anymore soon. The only one I told was my girlfriend.
Now I have already started dressing more feminine before coming out with skirts and such, but it was pretty mild. I actually received a suprisingly positive reaction from my environment. I expected at least a few students in school to make fun of me but no.
Regardless the first ones I came out to (except my gf) were my parents.
I wanted to make sure I have their support before I do anything else.
Now how you come out is highly individual. Generally you should first make sure you are safe and have a plan B to fall back on if things go bad.
I was pretty lucky with my parents and also very sure at that point they would accept me (though that didn't make it less terrifying).
After that I came out to my brother which was very casual as I knew he wouldn't mind and then I send a message to the rest of my family, which went pretty well too. And I came out to a few closer friends I still had from school.
Overall I was in a really accepting environment and am very lucky for it.

Fun Fact a year later my girlfriend's dad still doesn't know to my knowledge as I never told him. (little contact and a not so close relationship mainly caused that)
update from later: We did eventually come out and it went fine for the most part.

Aside from that I actually didn't change too much after that. As I said I already wore feminine clothing and I just did more of that. On top of that I have always been relatively socially isolated so I didn't have to deal with the public much. Being in public, especially alone still makes me quite uncomfortable.
I don't correct people on my pronouns or such in public as I don't think I pass, especially not my voice and I don't want to deal with it. When I'm alone out, I will also usually wear more androgynous clothing just to be sure.
The first time I used the womans restroom was on vacation and while no one seemed to care, I felt pretty scared and I still do.
These things will probably get easier over time, especially once I pass more but currently I try my best to avoid it all.
And I know passing isn't the goal for everyone but it absolutely is for me, even if it's just so I can navigate the world easier. I don't mind being seen as trans but I don't want to have to explain it to every stranger.

Note from a while later

I have had to come out many more times to strangers for various reasons. Generally I won't say the word "trans" unless necessary.
Meaning often I just say something like "yeah this is the name I use but my official name is still this". And usually they understand and if not we might talk more.
As a side note, when applying to jobs I always state the name that I use, even if it isn't my legal one. I just put my legal one in a footnote on my resumé or mention it in the job interview. This is completely fine to do and will make sure you get deadnamed a whole lot less than if you put your legal name on the front and chosen name in a footnote.

Name Change

When it comes to officially changing your name and gendermarker, you currently have to go through the process of the "Transexuellengesetz" or TSG ("transsexuell law").
This law was put in place at the 80s and only had small changes since then.
You essentially need the approval of 2 independent psychologists. Mind you it's completely irrelavant whether you already have a diagnosis from a psychologist because of medical transition. You could be on HRT for decades have gotten GRS but they don't care.
Many have also talked about the inhuman treatment happening in the questioning by the psychologists. Often being asked about masturbation behaviors and sexual fantasies and all kinds of non relevant nonsense.
On top of that you have to pay for it yourself and the whole process takes about a year costing between 1000 and 2000 euros.

So since this has long been recognized as inhumane and unconstitutional it's now in the process of being replaced with the "Selbstbestimmungsgesetz" ("self choosing law") meaning it works similar to informed consent in the sense that trans people will be able to simply request a name and gendermarker change once a year, and that will be enough without having to first prove their transness to strangers.
This law has been in the talk for a while and was meant to come out summer of 2023 but because of german bureaucracy and some transphobes in parliament it is now meant to come out winter of 2023 if things go well, as well as having the additional condition of there being a 3 month waiting period being added when you request a name and gender change.
Because otherwise our lives would actually become too easy you know.
(sidenote from a few months later: The law was delayed till winter 2024, maybe 2025)
You can also change your gendermarker to non binary or "divers" as it's called in german. Mind you we very much have the term "non binary" in german and it's also the used term in the community so I have no clue why cis people felt the need to come with their own words for our community but regardless.
So I essentially am waiting for this process at the time of writing and will update it once it starts.

Getting HRT - Hormon Replacement Therapy

This will be a detailed description step by step on how I got HRT in germany at the age of 18-19 as well as mentioning some of my frustrations with it.
Advice: If you're looking to medically transition there is one piece of advice that's kinda shitty and you have probably heard it before but it's true.
It's a waiting game, so learn to be patient and dont get too much hope too quickly because you will be dissapointed.
I have essentially had to wait longer than I expected on almost every step of the way and while I'm not saying this will necessarily happen to you it is something you should be ready for.
Also if you haven't changed your legal documents yet you will be misgendered and deadnamed a lot. Just make sure your therapist and the doctor who will overlook your treatment don't continue doing that otherwise you should find new ones if you can.

Therapy

In Summer of 2022 I started to call therapists to try to get an appointment as you need a therapists "indication", which is essentially a diagnosis, before they you can get HRT in germany.
After a few failed attempts I was lucky to get an appointment in 2 months which is relatively fast considering I have government insurance and not privat.
I found the therapists as well as other doctors later on lists like Transmann.de which list health care practitioners that are recommended by trans people.
Keep in mind just because they are on this list doesn't necessarily mean they know what they are talking about or that they are particulary nice. It just means some trans person got what they wanted from them and recommended them as a safe option.
I also got a refferal from my general practitioner (german:"Hausarzt") as you will need that for therapists and specialised doctors in germany. On a side note my GP also wrote "suspected transsexualism" on my refferal which goes to show how behind the many health care practitioners are by still using long outdated language.

With my therapist specifically there was some confusion at first because on the website it said they (the universtity he was working at) didn't currently have the capacity to provide ongoing therapy during transition however they could give a first appointment with some guidance, explanation and in some cases also give an indication.
So I told him I wanted to get an indication while making the appointment and was going in there thinking he was either going to give it to me or refer me to another therapists.
But he did a secret third thing which was to, near the end of our session, say: "We don't normally give out indications directly. There is usually a 6 month period of therapy before we do that however since you seem like a clear case I can give it to you on our second session"

So turns out the website meant that they just dont provide therapy after you got the indication but you can still have multiple appointments before that.
Then he gave me another appointment for 2 months after, which I don't think had to be that long but I was currently in the process of moving so it was easier this way. And on that second appointment we did also finish up and he said he will send me the indication via mail (regular not e-mail).
Another important thing is that in those 2 months inbetween, based on his advice, I had already made an appointment with an endocronoligist as that is where you will usually do the treatment as a trans person and the waiting lists are quite long.
And he was right because the appointment was scheduled for over 5 months.

It is also important to note that the indication only actually arrived about a week before the appointment with my endocronoligist because my therapists boss took too long to review it (which was more than 3 months by the way). So that was a bit stressfull.

On the actual therapy sessions:
There are some general questions you can prepare yourself for: Why are you here? How long have you known? How long have you thought about it? As well as some general questions about childhood, family, social life and of course how you figured out you're trans.
It can help to arcticulate these emotions before the session if you haven't already done that.
People say honesty is key and while I wouldn't recommend outright lying to your therapist if you can avoid that, I would take that with grain of salt.
I personally for example told my therapist about the stress I get from dysphoria but I left out some parts about some more depressive episodes that I might have had (I don't think I have straight up depression but there were times where I didn't feel that great). Because I was afraid that if I talked too much about general mental health stuff he might not want to give me the indication so soon or not at all because "what if it's just mental illness and not being trans".
Don't get me wrong this can of course be true in rare cases and it's not necessarily a bad thought to have as a therapist but from my perspecitve, I knew that I wanted HRT for more than a year and that I was generally mentally ok so I was not about to risk my chance of this medication so some stranger could have some more time to theorize about my feelings.
This is of course something you have to decide for yourself and it depends heavily on the person to how your therapist will react.
You have to ask yourself whether you want regular therapy or just get the medication. I only wanted HRT and of course you could have both but there is a risk of it delaying your medical transition.
As a last note I would like to note that if you are non binary and seek medical transition you most likely have to lie about being binary trans or they won't do anything. Mind you this is just what I heard and not my experience as I'm not non binary but keep that in mind.
This is mostly to say a lot of therapists don't know what they are talking about when it comes to therapy sadly, so be prepared for that and consider this in how you want to go forward.
My therapist personally would have probably still given me the indication in retrospective even if I would have been more open about other issues though I don't regret anything.

The actual indication is quite funny to read. I won't go into detail here but it's a about 3 pages long document whith most of it being pretty accurate, some of it being weirdly phrased and a few things kinda wrong. Which is to be expected when someone has to write an analysis on your personality after essentially knowing you for 2 hours.
He did refer to the DSM-5 which I think is the most up to date when it comes to guidelines on diagnostic criteria on mental illnesses and disorders.
Based on that I got the diagnosis for "gender-incongruence". It used to be dysphoria and before that transsexualism. The actual criteria isn't that different though gender-incongruence has a much more open definition. It is essentially just the definition of being and identifying as transgender.
While I do think it's important to change terminology to include modern understandings and not be so gatekeeping I also think this is in large just a change of labels whithout an actual impact on the systematic issues that called for that change. In other words it is true they aren't directly calling us mentally ill for being trans anymore but they are still treating us as such, forcing us to be diagnosed with something before we are allowed to transition while cis people that also persue HRT, like older men wanting to have more testosterone again, won't have to be diagnosed with anything like that.
He did however also refer to older guidlines under which I would be diagnosed as transsexual. Though he also specifically criticized the old terminology but added it anyway since he probably wanted to make sure no doctor is going to have questions. (He is a pretty good therapist overall though like I said I haven't really had regular therapy with him yet so I can only guess how he would be there)