Friday 23.02.24

Dude last weekend they did some work on the wifi network here and I have no clue what they did because it hasnt worked properly all week.
Like god damn this is getting so annoying.
For context its not that I dont have any wifi, it just only works right in front of my door for some reason and doesn't reach further. And even there it's not consistent.
I have a repeater and that used to work mostly but since last weekend it just doesnt connect anymore.

Also other note, my future boss for my minijob was supposed to give me a call and among other things confirm my starting date (which is currently set on next monday but not official yet) but he hasn't done that yet. So I'm also wondering what's going on there.
Will probably call him tomorrow morning and if he's not there then maybe try again monday morning.

Wednesday 21.02.24

God my wifi is still not working. This is the third day and I feel like I'm losing my mind every time it happens. Especially when I need internet to do my work

Thuesday 20.02.24

I have a project I need to work on but instead I have worked on my website for hours.
Also my wifi is broken again since yesterday

Monday 19.02.24

I recently looked at a bunch of art by Ankama again (game studio) and it got me interested to start playing Dofus again. So I made a new character, my puppygirl.
I also generally got motivated to draw more puppygirls.

And also, holy shit I decided to make a change in my layout for my art section but because i structered it stupid in the past I had to individually change every single html for every artwork so I could apply some better css. I'm so tired now.

Thursday 15.02.24

I got a minijob, let's goo. It's in retail but it seems doable and the manager is really nice.

Sunday 04.02.24

Ok I just want to vent about job advertisments real quick.

Why do so many of them not just say the direct damn adress. Like so many just say the city and I'm like "dude, you have two fucking stores in this city. Tell me which one it is."

And also I hate the application forums that don't show you the whole thing from the start. It stresses me when I only see parts of it because I don't know what I will still need later. It's super annoying when you fill out questions and you can't be sure to not say things that you would better say in a later question because you can't see the later question. It also makes it super annoying if you want to double check your answers because you have to click through several pages to see everything (if they even allow you to go back to previous pages).

Wednesday 31.01.24

I waited too long to ask for my prescription again and now I'm out of pills. But it probably won't be too bad to be out of testo blockers for a few days I assume.

I have another appointment at my endocronoligist in 2 months and I think I will ask her about progesterone. I've been on HRT for about 9 months now and I want to see if progesterone would help me. With like breast growth and stuff.
But also I've heard it can help with low libido and I'm really hoping it will do that for me because my low sex drive has become somewhat annoying.

Monday 22.01.24

The worst thing about applying for jobs is you actually have to be available for phone calls.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to manage to be fine in the future. Or rather how long I'll be able to manage.
I don't know, I don't like to think about it.

Oh and by the way, theres a bunch of protests happening in germany currently against the alt right party "AFD". People are finally trying to get it banned and that's really cool. In Hamburg there were so many people on the street at it's protest that they had to cancel it for safety reasons.

Thursday 18.01.24

I feel I constantly bounce between "I dont care about anything" and "I'm anxious about everything"

Not always though, sometimes I'm fine.

Also I am still working on the visual novel I started 6 months ago. I haven't abondend it fully, I just don't work much on it.
But recently I finished some background art for it and the script is almost fully done as well.

Wednesday 17.01.24

We were supposed to have a trip to go ice skating today but it got cancelled because of snow. Because of snow, like what are the odds. I dont even even remember if it snowed at all last year and now we have so much that stuff gets cancelled.

Saturday 13.01.24

I think I have an anxiety problem.
Like not as in social anxiety, I mean more as in getting these stronger fears somewhat out of nowhere. Fears about losing people, fears about the future, things like that.
I think I always had this to some extend. I wonder if it's gotten worse. Or maybe if the HRT has increased it.
It's not like super frequent, like definitely not every day but I noticed it stronger especially around new years in my vacation.

Anyways new years happened. Yippie.
I had a small party with some friends which was nice. This was the first year I wasn't with my parents on new years. We always went on vacation together in the winter and this was the first year I didn't come along.
It was really nice, I spent those 2 weeks with my girlfriend at home instead.

I will also have to look for a minijob again. I tried before last year and didn't get anything and was frustrated and since I didn't really need the money I just gave up and focused on school. Anyways I'm trying again now.
I was wondering if it would help if I voicetrained more. I wouldn't be too suprised if me being a non passing trans woman made it harder to get a job. And currently my voice is my main thing holding me back from passing.

This also makes me annoyed about the name change.
There is a new law coming in germany which changes how trans people can change their gender marker and name. Currently its a long, frustrating and very expensive process and the change would be that you basically can just go to the government office and request it.
Anyways it was meant to come out last summer but now the date is november 2024. (german bureaucracy and transphobes in the government delayed it)
Having to come out to any job just because my official name is still wrong is very annoying. Especially because most I applied to just ignored it and deadnamed and misgendered me. And I don't even know if they are transphobic or just lazy in general and don't read my resumé.

Friday 15.12.23

It's almost Christmas and I'm just kind of stressed.
Like with school projects and making presents and some other stuff.

Also I won this art contest at school and got this giftcard so that's cool. I don't really know what to do with it. I don't really want to buy anything. Giftcards are dumb. I guess I'll spend it on something cute.
If it were a bit earlier I could have used it to buy Christmas gifts but now I don't know.

Thuesday 12.12.23

Nevermind I actually want to be a puppy.
or maybe both I dont know...

I thought too much about the gender spectrum of puppygirl to catgirl recently.

Wednesday 04.10.23

I really haven't been very active here but whatever.

I think, I'm starting to be okay with how I look. Like it sounds a bit weird but I think maybe for the first time in my life, I'm starting to be content with my appearance.

A few days ago I finished Blue Period. Cool show. But in episode 10 two characters did these nude self portraits. Long story short I decided to give it a shot myself. It was quite interesting.
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have handled it very well before I started HRT, so that alone says something.
But yeah, I'll probably turn the sketches into a full painting at some point. Though I'm still not quite sure what I want to do with that, or to what I extend I will share it.

Sunday 12.08.23

I want to be a cat

Monday 24.07.23

yo I'm 3 months on HRT that's pretty dope
Anyways I started working on a powerpoint presentation about my gender envy because I and a few of my friends are doing this now so we can present them to each other and that's been really fun and interesting.

Also I started watching Voltron which is really cool. The world building is a bit whack but the characters are great.

Monday 10.07.23

I was at a pride parade again yesterday. That was quite fun, just being with my friends and also especially seeing so many trans girls was cool.
I've been feeling sort of weird the last few days, I don't know how exactly but I just think I am sort of dissociating from myself. Maybe it's just dysphoria flaring up but I feel like I just want to connect more with transness or maybe just womanhood? Idk

I've fought a lot about my body recently and how I feel about sex and what not and (without going into details) I think I understand myself a little better. This is especially came after looking at a furry porn comic out of all places. (for some reason some of the best trans rep I've ever seen in any media was in furry porn but whatever)
The trans character was just so confident in her identity and her body and didn't bother showing it off to others and while I'm not interested in showing my body like that, I still deeply admire this confidence and just sort of wish I could be like her but I also feel like I can only be like this with more time
And maybe that's sort of depressing, the idea that till I can be that person I want to be, I still need some more time to pass

Saturday 24.06.23

So I also played the visual novel "All we need" and while it's quite short it is amazing and actually inspired me to make my own little vn. I got myself Renpy and also finished the designs for the 2 main characters today.

Also I played a bit of "The lookout" another furry vn which seems great and read the webcomic "blades of furry" and oh my I absolutely loved it.
Will probably read more webcomics in the future because I haven't really done much of that yet.

Saturday 17.06.23

So I finished Adastra very recently and oh my goddess is it good.
The different endings confused me a little because I couldn't manage to get the second one of the longer endings for a while but anyways.
I got the Meera ending first and I think they are all great. I also started some fanart of it. I wanted to paint the 3 siblings Amicus, Cassius and Virginia.
At the beginning Neferu was my favorite character but I think at this point it's Virginia though to be fair I may also just be too gay for her.
Regardless I absolutely loved it and I'm looking for different furry visual novels now because I need something to do for when I don't have Internet. also heres an amazing essay on adastra by @boringkeith

Sunday 11.06.23

I've just been thinking a bit about my sexuality and what not. Because the Hrt has completely gotten rid of my sex drive and it's a bit weird having sexual attraction but no sex drive.
Like it isn't the same as being asexual because I still enjoy the idea of sex. It's more like enoying food but simply not being hungry.
I mean tbf I was never super into sex anyways, like it's fun but there are certainly better things and I must say I really enjoy not having these urges because it also saves quite a bit of time to be honest to not be preoccupied with this.
Still I wonder how that's going to be in the future because normally your sex drive builds back up eventually but I don't even know if I want that. Like it's certainly not on of my biggest issues currently but yeah.
Maybe part of me also really doesn't like sex because of dysphoria but the urges have always been stronger than the dysphoria and that's why it was "fine". But then again I don't know if it's dysphoria because I'm not sure if I were more comfortable doing it with different genitals.
All these thoughts are very confusing right now because I don't know what I like and especially without a sex drive it's more confusing to figure that out.
I think part of me wants to be asexual but I'm not sure why.

Also the internet was broken the ENTIRE day again, so that annoyed me today

Saturday 10.06.23

I was at my first pride today which was great :3
I went with a couple of friends but we came late because we got lost on the way and drove the wrong direction for a while but whatever. It was amazing seeing so many queer people at once. Especially so many trans people.

I have never seen so many at once and it just made me feel really comfortable.
I normally feel really uncomfortable in public like in general but this time I actually didn't. I felt safe and like I could actually be who I am and be surrounded by people who understand and accept.
I didn't feel the need to hide my voice or just hide myself in general. That was nice.
But also short lasting.
Though I still felt pretty comfortable afterwards anyways since I was still with my friends and saw quite a few people in pride outfits every now and then while we walked through the city.

Also I saw two furries in partial fursuits and they were adorable.

Also we had some rain for a while but no rainbows ... kinda homophobic

Sunday 04.06.23

I just wanted to quickly say that I've been feeling weirdly confident in my identity as a trans girl today. Like I just felt weirldy euphoric today.
And that's nice so I just wanted to put that here.

Might have to with Gwen from Spiderverse being trans. That's been on my mind today

Saturday 03.06.23

ok so first things first. The therapy yesterday was super short. Which like makes sense because it was really more of a checkup on HRT and this whole thing isn't really regular therapy anyways since I just did it for HRT but ye.
He essentially just asked for side effects like depression, anxiety which I didn't get and them some other general things, but I can genuinely say things are alright currently so that was that. He also said I could reach out if I do want to have another session again but otherwise, this doesn't seem necessary.

Besides from that. I rediscovered an old story I came up with which is roughly like She-ra but what if they are boys and catra also left the Horde at the beginning.
Anyways I'm planning to give them a little redesign (and actual names) and maybe expand the story a bit.

Thursday 01.06.23

we had a project day in school today and it was kind of messy but also fun.
Like on one hand I actually managed to work on my website a bit during it and got my sfw gallery up to date with all the images. But also we were talking about board games and generally analog games and I was playing Werewolf with a group of friends for a while, which was fun.
Not fully my game becaus I'm a terrible liar and usually just hold back in these games with talking, but it was still quite fun, since the rest of the group made it interesting. I guess it's actually not too bad to have some quiet players if the rest is more active. Makes the situation more complex and interesting.

Anyways tomorrow I'll probably have my last therapy session for a while since it was just a sort of check up on my first month on HRT and not really more than that and since I'm fine, we probably won't need to continue afterwards.
I already picked out my "It's ok" Shirt for the session.
I actually got this shirt from a friend and I think it's funny

Also I started watching Black Lagoon and finished the first season and I'm loving it. This anime is much better than I thought.

Thursday 25.05.23

So I have therapy in like a week and I feel like I haven't studied for it.
What I mean is that I only went to therapy for my HRT medication however my therapist recommended to make an appointment a month after I start HRT, because that can often do all kinds of things to your head so it's good to check up.
But heres the thing.
I feel nothing dude.
Like no mental changes I mean. There are some things I noticed changing on my body and my sex drive is 0, so it's not like I think the medication isn't working but these things I often heard being described, like crying easier, getting mood swings or straight up depression, don't have that.
I mean I do cry easily but that was the case before (maybe I cry a little easier now).
And I also have mood swings but I've had those for longer as well so idk.

And now I'm just thinking what am I going to do during therapy. Like what do I talk about.
I know that's like a dumb thing to worry about but I mostly find it funny tbh.

Wednesday 24.05.23

I got Aseprite yesterday which is a pixel art software and it's great. I definitely plan on making more pixel art now and maybe also some animations and stuff. I made this animation of Marcy from Amphibia 'cause I finished the show recently and damn that ending tho.

I have been drawing a lot the past few days because I have vacation essentially and a lot of free time. There is a school trip currently but I didn't go along because it was very expensive and I just kinda didnt't want to spend so much money on a random one week trip. It wasn't fully planned for me not to go though, I just kinda was unsure and hesitated too long I guess.
I'm not the only one who stayed so it's not that bad and again I have a lot of free time now which is nice, so it's not like a bad week but anyways.
Still feels weird and just makes me think about loneliness and stuff. Like I don't exactly feel lonely right now and I am mostly content being alone. That is generally how I prefer to spend my time and it's always been that way, but there is still this feeling of missing out.
But I mean it's not that deep.
Like I'm only 19 and I'm sure I will still have plenty of moments of valuable human connection and shared experiences so ye

Wednesday 17.05.23

I've started using this note taking software "obsidian" ( Download Link for obsidian ) and it's great. Helped me quite a bit with some homework as well.
Also I finished watching the Owl House and Oh my god it's fantastic. I have like 4 fanarts already in the working. Hunter is so pecious and I love all the characters.
And I have started Outer Wilds a little while ago and it's a great game
Also I found this banger Image on pinterest.

Thuesday 09.05.23

So I have started Adastra recently, the free visual novel by Echo Project and it's amazing.
I essentially started after I was done with Echo (by the same team) and I love it. Echo was great but Adastra really makes me want to be in that world. (That's not meant as a critique of echo as it's just another genre)
And I love how they made the situation with Amicus more complicated instead of him just being the perfect fantasy.
Neferu is definitely my favorite character as of now (just finished the part of the second trial). He seems like he's genuinely nice, and is also the most outspoken on how messed up the wolven culture is.

Also I have no Internet today and it annoys me. Like it hasn't been working at all, which sometimes happens but it's still frustrating.
That's honestly the main reason I played a lot of adastra today.

Wednesday 26.04.23

So good news I finally got HRT!
Preordering something at the pharmacy seems to work really quick so I was able to pick it up today already. Now I only got the estradiol and no testosterone blockers because of the issues with the prescription I talked about in the last update but whatever this is good enough for now.
On another note we had a workout in school yesterday(yes we do have sport this semester) and my legs hurt like hell.
I actually do generally like sports though and kinda want to start working out again now that I'm starting HRT especially. I don't exactly want to gain a lot of weight and I would like to keep some of my athleticism I guess. Also working out was kinda fun in general when I used to do it a lot so I want to get back into it now.

Monday 24.04.23

So I was wrong. It will take longer to get HRT again. Because first of all the pharmacy didn't have the medication in storage so they have to order it first, which I could have thought of, but also the damn prescription was wrong.
It forgot to say "pills" on the testosterone blocker and only said the substance itself which doesn't make sense and I didn't see that because this was the first time I got a prescription that I looked at myself and not my mom (yes I'm young and don't get sick often) so I have no idea what the formal correct way of writing that shit down is.
Like they even told me at the endocronoligist to double check but like dude I don't know what it's supposed to be. They didn't even know the medication I was supposed to get when I went in, even though I explicitly asked them if I can pick up the prescription for the medication they recommended.
I'm so tired of this...
Literally at every damn step this process of getting HRT was delayed and took longer than I expected.
But hey I've waited so long another week or two won't kill me.
But it means I will have to go to my doctor again tomorrow and that means riding the train right after school because otherwise I won't make it in time and I just have zero motivation for it.

Thursday 20.04.23

I have been trying to get HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) for almost a year now starting with calling therapists trying to get an appointment and then trying to make an appointment at an endocronoligist which had a 5 month waiting time and then some back and forth because for some reason they send the results of my blood tests to my general practitioner doctor and not just to me so I had to get there and then when I asked for another appointment to get the prescription they gave me a date in another 4 months maybe assuming I was already on HRT as that appointment was for a control bloodtest.
But regardless of all of that nonsense. I finally today got an email telling me I can pick up the prescription which I will probably do on monday.
So after all of this waiting I can finally start.
The weird thing is while I am excited and mostly relieved I can finally start I thought I would react strong to getting HRT. Maybe it's because I still don't quite have it and don't want to get my hopes up in case something goes wrong, maybe I'm also just generally to tired at the moment for this. But it's still weird.

Though I'm definitely not questioning whether I want this as I'm sure of that.
I have also felt for a while like I haven't really started my life yet. Like I'm still in the character creation screen and haven't started the damn game yet.
It's not that I don't enjoy life at all or don't value it it's just that sometimes it feels like my life living as who I truly am can only start soon.
Though I don't know if that's really true. I mean HRT won't automatically fix everything of course, I know that. And I mean who knows maybe I won't actually feel all that different after all. But at least I will probably like my body a little more.

Also I found some really cool muppets collage wallpapers like this one on pinterest