Thursday 05.12.24

Recently been exploring a different more painterly artstyle more and while I like it, I always feel like something is still missing.
Like the painting isn't finished, not fully rendered yet but at the same time I'm not sure how to bring it over that finish line.

Tuesday 26.11.24

Applying for like minimun wage/ entry level jobs like retail and such currently and damn. You really just have to ignore the red flags because they ALL have them so you either live with it or stay unemployed.

Also I'm still obsessed with Arcane season 2 especially Ekko and Powder.

Thursday 21.11.24

By the way I finally legally changed my name this Tuesday so that's really cool. I still need to update all my documents now but yeah.
I realized a lot of my diary entries are pretty depressing as that's usually the time I think about writing something down to deal with it but I do want to try to also talk about more positive things.

On that note, the second season of arcane is currently coming out in chunks (the last 3 episodes airing this saturday) and oh my god. I'm obsessed with this show.
I love it and I've already done like 10 painting studies and 2 fan arts.

Wednesday 20.11.24

I don't know if my family will ever see me as a woman.
I came out over 2 years ago and while they do get my name right at this point I still get misgendered here and there.
And I know it can take time but if it's not happening after 2 years than it's probably a lack of trying. I don't think they don't care or love me but it's still this disconnect.

It's a sad thing to come to terms with. I don't know if I'll ever be the woman I want to be, let alone be seen as such. But I guess that's just part of my life now.

Wednesday 06.11.24

I think I have to stop trying to be something I'm not. I constantly feel guilty, hopeless and despair because like "what if I cant get a job?" , "what if it wont get better?", "What about my future?" bla bla.
Maybe I just need to embrace that I won't have the life I thought I would when I was a child and instead just focus on my material situation and the actions I can do.
I've been thinking about Greg from Steven Universe especially in regard to the song "I think I need a little change".
Because Greg is pretty much a loser/ failed artist by modern standards, but he's also a loving person and great dad. And he seems happy.
So I guess that's what I aspire to now. Forgetting about all the vague concepts of what I thought a "successful life" would be and just focus on what I actually care about and want to do.
I get the song was about trying to get his shit together but even at the end he just works at his own carwash which isn't a very ambitious job in the eyes of society. (Though I guess he is a business owner so I don't know)

Also Trump one today and while I don't live in the US I'm still kind of scared.

Thursday 24.10.24

So I've had issues with my right foot for a while. I think it started at around 16 maybe because I did too much sport and put too much strain on it but now it hurts to put pressure on it.
Like it used to hurt only sometimes when I stepped weird but now its almost always hurting a bit and sometimes somewhat intense.

After pushing it off for like a year I finally decided to go to a doctor about it but I've been trying to reach my general practitioner since yesterday and I can't get through on the phone. And they don't have an email listed.
It's really frustrating. Especially because phone calls make me quite anxious and I just want to get it over with but I can't cuz they don't answer.
I'm actually thinking of just driving over there and making an appointment in person but I don't really want to do that.

Thursday 17.10.24

I love my girlfriend.

Wednesday 18.09.24

I think I need to relearn how to be happy.
When I was a teenager I never had to think about it, I just was. Things worked out, I had motivation. But recently I've been feeling pretty low.
I've been crying a lot more, I'm more afraid and I'm not sure why because the quality of my life didn't really go down.
It's probably the early stress of becoming an adult and having to find a job.
I saw something about depressed people being stubborn and yeah I guess. Because part of me wants to just stay like this.
It's definitely easier. Like maybe drowning isn't all that bad and besides pulling myself out sounds exhausting.

But I know rationally that's not how I should feel.

Thursday 05.09.24

I don't know if I'm proud to be trans.
The last year I've been thinking much less about my transition mainly because I was stressed with other things and am decently content in my body now.
But quite frequently I'm still hit with dysphoria, especially around my voice. It's like a constant reminder of what I am and always will be.
Can I say I'm proud to be trans when I'm trying my best just to forget about it?

Maybe I can be proud when I manage my dysphoria better and my voice improves. I don't know.

Friday 16.08.24

I think I have a bit of burnout.
I don't really know, theres just a lot going on right now at once and I'm a bit overwhelmed.
I looked at my to do list yesterday and I just couldn't really bring up the energy so I just decided to try to sleep and cried a bit.

I still feel a bit down now but I hope it goes away soon.
I have my final exams next week and the other stuff on my to do list still needs to get done somewhat soon.

It's just weird because I felt fine on wednesday and then it felt like it just came out of nowhere yesterday.

Sunday 30.06.24

I saw some videos on low poly 3D art and decided to model my fursona. Was very fun.
I was mostly following this tutorial by lacruzo

I also found this cool website where you can find ripped 3D models from all kinds of games.
( Link to the 3D recource website )
I felt very mature making this:

Sunday 02.06.24

I probably need therapy, but I don't really want to get it.
Like pretty often I get this irrational fear of dying or getting hurt or that someone close to me dies or gets hurt (usually my gf) and I get stressed out. I also generally deal with some social anxiety and stuff. Didn't really want to call it that for a while but I can't keep acting as if those are normal healthy feelings.
I mean yesterday I almost broke down crying in the bathroom because I was thinking what if I died in my sleep and my girlfriend woke up next to my corpse.

I also think I have an issue with authority figures. Like my boss told me I did a shit job recently (which she has critized me before unfairly but this time was understandable) and for some reason it is effecting me a lot more than it should. Maybe it was the way she communicated it because I can take feedback in different contexts but this time I just kept feeling like trash and worthless. And like I know I'm not, I know I just messed up a bit this time and I know there's many nice qualities about me but I just feel like none of that matters.
I guess it's insecurity but it feels weird saying I have a fragile ego because I always connected that mainly to cis men acting dumb when they feel their masculinity is threatened or something.

Thursday 09.05.24

So I watched this video on 5 WAYS TO GET GAME DEV EXPERIENCE! by Trent Kaniuga and one of the tips was to just make your own indie game. Now at first that sounded kind of dumb to me but when I thought about it, it seemed like it could be helpful.
Now keep in mind I'm already making a game currently but that's a visual novel (which I do plan on finishing in august by the way), but I think a game that's a bit more mechanically interesting might be worth learning.

So heres my plan. I started learning Game Maker because it seemed like a simple engine for 2D games and I want to make a top down game with some fighting. Genre is kind of loose and I don't plan on making a whole game really to be honest. I just want one room with the player who can walk, dodge, base attack, and some spells (so I can practice VFX) and at least one enemy type with one simple attack.

(Background is Pixel Art Top Down - Basic by Cainos)
Still need to make some decisions on look and everything but I got this little walking prototype for a raccoon like character.

Tuesday 30.04.24

I passed my HRT anniversary a few days ago so now I'm a litte over one year on hormones. That's pretty cool.
I didn't really do anything special that day, to be honest I didn't even think about it. But it's still kind of nice.
My doctor said she wanted to switch me to gel soon. I'm a bit nervous but it's also a bit exciting. Then again it's also not that big of a deal. But I'm curious what it will be like.

Thursday 04.04.24

I've been really into Steven Universe again recently. Even started rewatching parts of it, specifically season 4 and 5.
It's just like the vibe of the show. It may have some issues but it's so beautiful and I feel like I've recently been aspiring to it with my transition in a sense.
I've been having some thoughts whether I'm more fem or masc and how I want to present and stuff. And like the gems from steven universe are very much gender envy in a sense. Like the gems as a whole. I mean they are all so different in bodies and presentation but this kind of connected womanhood they still have despite this diversity is so beautiful.
I think that's the feeling I want. This belonging in womanhood I suppose.

Monday 25.03.24

I think I'm going through like a quarter life crisis.
I've started lookin for an art job that I could do after I'm done with art school and it's just all these thoughts of like: "What if I don't find anything?", "What else could I do as plan B?". And like to be honest I've always avoided thinking about the future but now I sort of have to and I guess I'm not handeling it that great.

I've also realized I don't have like any ambitions for life or my career really. I really only want to continue to transition and move in with my girlfriend. Outside of that, nothing. I don't want to buy a house (not that I could anyways), I don't want to have kids, I don't really like traveling a lot and I don't have much interest climbing up some career ladder.

There are some things I want to do, like hang out or go on trips with my friends and stuff. But I just don't have any bigger goals I want to work towards. I don't know if that's going to be an issue.

Monday 18.03.24

I was at my first concert. It was pretty fun.
I think it was the first time I saw someone famous (that I actually cared about) in real life.
It's a weird feeling seeing someone on stage you only ever saw on screen before.

But also we were standing for like 4 hours total and my feet and back were just hurting a lot during and after the concert which kind of made it hard to enjoy it at times.

Sunday 10.03.24

I'm really starting to realize how much harder it suddenly is to plan for things like birthdays or other meetups with friends when you have a job on the side. Especially if you don't always work the same days on that job.

Thursday 07.03.24

A coworker at work asked me for my pronouns. I know for some trans women this can be a bit akward. I mean we just want to be perceived as women but honestly I thought it was really sweet. I mean I do use a feminine name at work but considering my voice and looks I get that you might want to ask to be sure. And I do think it's best to ask pronouns if you're confused rather than just assume some.

Passing is still a bit tricky for me. I mean my friends say I pass but they are also mostly trans and already perceive me as a woman.
So not sure to what extend I can trust that judgement. Getting gendered is a bit random for me in public. If I use my voice it's always "he/him" but otherwise I tend to get "she/her". At least if they don't look or interact with me too much.
I've also never been stopped going to the womens restroom though I haven't done it very often and I have been looked at weird once I was standing in a que. But I was with my mom so no one said anything.

Also I overheard 2 customers today talking and I think mocking someting related to being transgender. Looked like 2 cis men. I didn't hear them clearly, mabye they even clocked me and were refering to me though it didn't seem that way. But it was kind of interesting.
To just be right next to that you know.
I think cis people don't realize that trans people are everywhere among them.

Monday 04.03.24

Had my first day at my new job today in retail. It was alright. I mean my back hurts now and stuff but everyone was very nice (colleagues). Also no one said anything or was weird about my transness. Though my supervisor did misgender me once somewhat. Like she said "boys" refering to me and another guy but she was mainly talking about him (because it was about something he did, I was just also there).
So like misgendered but not that bad and she did correct herself.

Also update on the wifi situation from recently. I got it fixed last monday. I send the IT guys a message and they found the issue after a bit.
That being said it doesn't work again right now (different kind of not working. The normal regular kind, not the completely broken type it was 2 weeks ago).
So yeah that sucks because I wanted to play minecraft with my girlfriend.

Friday 23.02.24

Dude last weekend they did some work on the wifi network here and I have no clue what they did because it hasnt worked properly all week.
Like god damn this is getting so annoying.
For context its not that I dont have any wifi, it just only works right in front of my door for some reason and doesn't reach further. And even there it's not consistent.
I have a repeater and that used to work mostly but since last weekend it just doesnt connect anymore.

Also other note, my future boss for my minijob was supposed to give me a call and among other things confirm my starting date (which is currently set on next monday but not official yet) but he hasn't done that yet. So I'm also wondering what's going on there.
Will probably call him tomorrow morning and if he's not there then maybe try again monday morning.

Wednesday 21.02.24

God my wifi is still not working. This is the third day and I feel like I'm losing my mind every time it happens. Especially when I need internet to do my work

Tuesday 20.02.24

I have a project I need to work on but instead I have worked on my website for hours.
Also my wifi is broken again since yesterday

Monday 19.02.24

I recently looked at a bunch of art by Ankama again (game studio) and it got me interested to start playing Dofus again. So I made a new character, my puppygirl.
I also generally got motivated to draw more puppygirls.

And also, holy shit I decided to make a change in my layout for my art section but because i structered it stupid in the past I had to individually change every single html for every artwork so I could apply some better css. I'm so tired now.

Thursday 15.02.24

I got a minijob, let's goo. It's in retail but it seems doable and the manager is really nice.

Sunday 04.02.24

Ok I just want to vent about job advertisments real quick.

Why do so many of them not just say the direct damn adress. Like so many just say the city and I'm like "dude, you have two fucking stores in this city. Tell me which one it is."

And also I hate the application forums that don't show you the whole thing from the start. It stresses me when I only see parts of it because I don't know what I will still need later. It's super annoying when you fill out questions and you can't be sure to not say things that you would better say in a later question because you can't see the later question. It also makes it super annoying if you want to double check your answers because you have to click through several pages to see everything (if they even allow you to go back to previous pages).

Wednesday 31.01.24

I waited too long to ask for my prescription again and now I'm out of pills. But it probably won't be too bad to be out of testo blockers for a few days I assume.

I have another appointment at my endocronoligist in 2 months and I think I will ask her about progesterone. I've been on HRT for about 9 months now and I want to see if progesterone would help me. With like breast growth and stuff.
But also I've heard it can help with low libido and I'm really hoping it will do that for me because my low sex drive has become somewhat annoying.

Monday 22.01.24

The worst thing about applying for jobs is you actually have to be available for phone calls.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to manage to be fine in the future. Or rather how long I'll be able to manage.
I don't know, I don't like to think about it.

Oh and by the way, theres a bunch of protests happening in germany currently against the alt right party "AFD". People are finally trying to get it banned and that's really cool. In Hamburg there were so many people on the street at it's protest that they had to cancel it for safety reasons.

Thursday 18.01.24

I feel I constantly bounce between "I dont care about anything" and "I'm anxious about everything"

Not always though, sometimes I'm fine.

Also I am still working on the visual novel I started 6 months ago. I haven't abondend it fully, I just don't work much on it.
But recently I finished some background art for it and the script is almost fully done as well.

Wednesday 17.01.24

We were supposed to have a trip to go ice skating today but it got cancelled because of snow. Because of snow, like what are the odds. I dont even even remember if it snowed at all last year and now we have so much that stuff gets cancelled.

Saturday 13.01.24

I think I have an anxiety problem.
Like not as in social anxiety, I mean more as in getting these stronger fears somewhat out of nowhere. Fears about losing people, fears about the future, things like that.
I think I always had this to some extend. I wonder if it's gotten worse. Or maybe if the HRT has increased it.
It's not like super frequent, like definitely not every day but I noticed it stronger especially around new years in my vacation.

Anyways new years happened. Yippie.
I had a small party with some friends which was nice. This was the first year I wasn't with my parents on new years. We always went on vacation together in the winter and this was the first year I didn't come along.
It was really nice, I spent those 2 weeks with my girlfriend at home instead.

I will also have to look for a minijob again. I tried before last year and didn't get anything and was frustrated and since I didn't really need the money I just gave up and focused on school. Anyways I'm trying again now.
I was wondering if it would help if I voicetrained more. I wouldn't be too suprised if me being a non passing trans woman made it harder to get a job. And currently my voice is my main thing holding me back from passing.

This also makes me annoyed about the name change.
There is a new law coming in germany which changes how trans people can change their gender marker and name. Currently its a long, frustrating and very expensive process and the change would be that you basically can just go to the government office and request it.
Anyways it was meant to come out last summer but now the date is november 2024. (german bureaucracy and transphobes in the government delayed it)
Having to come out to any job just because my official name is still wrong is very annoying. Especially because most I applied to just ignored it and deadnamed and misgendered me. And I don't even know if they are transphobic or just lazy in general and don't read my resumé.

Friday 15.12.23

It's almost Christmas and I'm just kind of stressed.
Like with school projects and making presents and some other stuff.

Also I won this art contest at school and got this giftcard so that's cool. I don't really know what to do with it. I don't really want to buy anything. Giftcards are dumb. I guess I'll spend it on something cute.
If it were a bit earlier I could have used it to buy Christmas gifts but now I don't know.

Tuesday 12.12.23

Nevermind I actually want to be a puppy.
or maybe both I dont know...

I thought too much about the gender spectrum of puppygirl to catgirl recently.

Wednesday 04.10.23

I really haven't been very active here but whatever.

I think, I'm starting to be okay with how I look. Like it sounds a bit weird but I think maybe for the first time in my life, I'm starting to be content with my appearance.

A few days ago I finished Blue Period. Cool show. But in episode 10 two characters did these nude self portraits. Long story short I decided to give it a shot myself. It was quite interesting.
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have handled it very well before I started HRT, so that alone says something.
But yeah, I'll probably turn the sketches into a full painting at some point. Though I'm still not quite sure what I want to do with that, or to what I extend I will share it.

Sunday 12.08.23

I want to be a cat

Monday 24.07.23

yo I'm 3 months on HRT that's pretty dope
Anyways I started working on a powerpoint presentation about my gender envy because I and a few of my friends are doing this now so we can present them to each other and that's been really fun and interesting.

Also I started watching Voltron which is really cool. The world building is a bit whack but the characters are great.

Monday 10.07.23

I was at a pride parade again yesterday. That was quite fun, just being with my friends and also especially seeing so many trans girls was cool.
I've been feeling sort of weird the last few days, I don't know how exactly but I just think I am sort of dissociating from myself. Maybe it's just dysphoria flaring up but I feel like I just want to connect more with transness or maybe just womanhood? Idk

I've fought a lot about my body recently and how I feel about sex and what not and (without going into details) I think I understand myself a little better. This is especially came after looking at a furry porn comic out of all places. (for some reason some of the best trans rep I've ever seen in any media was in furry porn but whatever)
The trans character was just so confident in her identity and her body and didn't bother showing it off to others and while I'm not interested in showing my body like that, I still deeply admire this confidence and just sort of wish I could be like her but I also feel like I can only be like this with more time
And maybe that's sort of depressing, the idea that till I can be that person I want to be, I still need some more time to pass

Saturday 24.06.23

So I also played the visual novel "All we need" and while it's quite short it is amazing and actually inspired me to make my own little vn. I got myself Renpy and also finished the designs for the 2 main characters today.

Also I played a bit of "The lookout" another furry vn which seems great and read the webcomic "blades of furry" and oh my I absolutely loved it.
Will probably read more webcomics in the future because I haven't really done much of that yet.

Saturday 17.06.23

So I finished Adastra very recently and oh my goddess is it good.
The different endings confused me a little because I couldn't manage to get the second one of the longer endings for a while but anyways.
I got the Meera ending first and I think they are all great. I also started some fanart of it. I wanted to paint the 3 siblings Amicus, Cassius and Virginia.
At the beginning Neferu was my favorite character but I think at this point it's Virginia though to be fair I may also just be too gay for her.
Regardless I absolutely loved it and I'm looking for different furry visual novels now because I need something to do for when I don't have Internet. also heres an amazing essay on adastra by @boringkeith

Sunday 11.06.23

I've just been thinking a bit about my sexuality and what not. Because the Hrt has completely gotten rid of my sex drive and it's a bit weird having sexual attraction but no sex drive.
Like it isn't the same as being asexual because I still enjoy the idea of sex. It's more like enoying food but simply not being hungry.
I mean tbf I was never super into sex anyways, like it's fun but there are certainly better things and I must say I really enjoy not having these urges because it also saves quite a bit of time to be honest to not be preoccupied with this.
Still I wonder how that's going to be in the future because normally your sex drive builds back up eventually but I don't even know if I want that. Like it's certainly not on of my biggest issues currently but yeah.
Maybe part of me also really doesn't like sex because of dysphoria but the urges have always been stronger than the dysphoria and that's why it was "fine". But then again I don't know if it's dysphoria because I'm not sure if I were more comfortable doing it with different genitals.
All these thoughts are very confusing right now because I don't know what I like and especially without a sex drive it's more confusing to figure that out.
I think part of me wants to be asexual but I'm not sure why.

Also the internet was broken the ENTIRE day again, so that annoyed me today

Saturday 10.06.23

I was at my first pride today which was great :3
I went with a couple of friends but we came late because we got lost on the way and drove the wrong direction for a while but whatever. It was amazing seeing so many queer people at once. Especially so many trans people.

I have never seen so many at once and it just made me feel really comfortable.
I normally feel really uncomfortable in public like in general but this time I actually didn't. I felt safe and like I could actually be who I am and be surrounded by people who understand and accept.
I didn't feel the need to hide my voice or just hide myself in general. That was nice.
But also short lasting.
Though I still felt pretty comfortable afterwards anyways since I was still with my friends and saw quite a few people in pride outfits every now and then while we walked through the city.

Also I saw two furries in partial fursuits and they were adorable.

Also we had some rain for a while but no rainbows ... kinda homophobic

Sunday 04.06.23

I just wanted to quickly say that I've been feeling weirdly confident in my identity as a trans girl today. Like I just felt weirldy euphoric today.
And that's nice so I just wanted to put that here.

Might have to with Gwen from Spiderverse being trans. That's been on my mind today

Saturday 03.06.23

ok so first things first. The therapy yesterday was super short. Which like makes sense because it was really more of a checkup on HRT and this whole thing isn't really regular therapy anyways since I just did it for HRT but ye.
He essentially just asked for side effects like depression, anxiety which I didn't get and them some other general things, but I can genuinely say things are alright currently so that was that. He also said I could reach out if I do want to have another session again but otherwise, this doesn't seem necessary.

Besides from that. I rediscovered an old story I came up with which is roughly like She-ra but what if they are boys and catra also left the Horde at the beginning.
Anyways I'm planning to give them a little redesign (and actual names) and maybe expand the story a bit.

Thursday 01.06.23

we had a project day in school today and it was kind of messy but also fun.
Like on one hand I actually managed to work on my website a bit during it and got my sfw gallery up to date with all the images. But also we were talking about board games and generally analog games and I was playing Werewolf with a group of friends for a while, which was fun.
Not fully my game becaus I'm a terrible liar and usually just hold back in these games with talking, but it was still quite fun, since the rest of the group made it interesting. I guess it's actually not too bad to have some quiet players if the rest is more active. Makes the situation more complex and interesting.

Anyways tomorrow I'll probably have my last therapy session for a while since it was just a sort of check up on my first month on HRT and not really more than that and since I'm fine, we probably won't need to continue afterwards.
I already picked out my "It's ok" Shirt for the session.
I actually got this shirt from a friend and I think it's funny

Also I started watching Black Lagoon and finished the first season and I'm loving it. This anime is much better than I thought.

Thursday 25.05.23

So I have therapy in like a week and I feel like I haven't studied for it.
What I mean is that I only went to therapy for my HRT medication however my therapist recommended to make an appointment a month after I start HRT, because that can often do all kinds of things to your head so it's good to check up.
But heres the thing.
I feel nothing dude.
Like no mental changes I mean. There are some things I noticed changing on my body and my sex drive is 0, so it's not like I think the medication isn't working but these things I often heard being described, like crying easier, getting mood swings or straight up depression, don't have that.
I mean I do cry easily but that was the case before (maybe I cry a little easier now).
And I also have mood swings but I've had those for longer as well so idk.

And now I'm just thinking what am I going to do during therapy. Like what do I talk about.
I know that's like a dumb thing to worry about but I mostly find it funny tbh.

Wednesday 24.05.23

I got Aseprite yesterday which is a pixel art software and it's great. I definitely plan on making more pixel art now and maybe also some animations and stuff. I made this animation of Marcy from Amphibia 'cause I finished the show recently and damn that ending tho.

I have been drawing a lot the past few days because I have vacation essentially and a lot of free time. There is a school trip currently but I didn't go along because it was very expensive and I just kinda didnt't want to spend so much money on a random one week trip. It wasn't fully planned for me not to go though, I just kinda was unsure and hesitated too long I guess.
I'm not the only one who stayed so it's not that bad and again I have a lot of free time now which is nice, so it's not like a bad week but anyways.
Still feels weird and just makes me think about loneliness and stuff. Like I don't exactly feel lonely right now and I am mostly content being alone. That is generally how I prefer to spend my time and it's always been that way, but there is still this feeling of missing out.
But I mean it's not that deep.
Like I'm only 19 and I'm sure I will still have plenty of moments of valuable human connection and shared experiences so ye

Wednesday 17.05.23

I've started using this note taking software "obsidian" ( Download Link for obsidian ) and it's great. Helped me quite a bit with some homework as well.
Also I finished watching the Owl House and Oh my god it's fantastic. I have like 4 fanarts already in the working. Hunter is so pecious and I love all the characters.
And I have started Outer Wilds a little while ago and it's a great game
Also I found this banger Image on pinterest.

Tuesday 09.05.23

So I have started Adastra recently, the free visual novel by Echo Project and it's amazing.
I essentially started after I was done with Echo (by the same team) and I love it. Echo was great but Adastra really makes me want to be in that world. (That's not meant as a critique of echo as it's just another genre)
And I love how they made the situation with Amicus more complicated instead of him just being the perfect fantasy.
Neferu is definitely my favorite character as of now (just finished the part of the second trial). He seems like he's genuinely nice, and is also the most outspoken on how messed up the wolven culture is.

Also I have no Internet today and it annoys me. Like it hasn't been working at all, which sometimes happens but it's still frustrating.
That's honestly the main reason I played a lot of adastra today.

Wednesday 26.04.23

So good news I finally got HRT!
Preordering something at the pharmacy seems to work really quick so I was able to pick it up today already. Now I only got the estradiol and no testosterone blockers because of the issues with the prescription I talked about in the last update but whatever this is good enough for now.
On another note we had a workout in school yesterday(yes we do have sport this semester) and my legs hurt like hell.
I actually do generally like sports though and kinda want to start working out again now that I'm starting HRT especially. I don't exactly want to gain a lot of weight and I would like to keep some of my athleticism I guess. Also working out was kinda fun in general when I used to do it a lot so I want to get back into it now.

Monday 24.04.23

So I was wrong. It will take longer to get HRT again. Because first of all the pharmacy didn't have the medication in storage so they have to order it first, which I could have thought of, but also the damn prescription was wrong.
It forgot to say "pills" on the testosterone blocker and only said the substance itself which doesn't make sense and I didn't see that because this was the first time I got a prescription that I looked at myself and not my mom (yes I'm young and don't get sick often) so I have no idea what the formal correct way of writing that shit down is.
Like they even told me at the endocronoligist to double check but like dude I don't know what it's supposed to be. They didn't even know the medication I was supposed to get when I went in, even though I explicitly asked them if I can pick up the prescription for the medication they recommended.
I'm so tired of this...
Literally at every damn step this process of getting HRT was delayed and took longer than I expected.
But hey I've waited so long another week or two won't kill me.
But it means I will have to go to my doctor again tomorrow and that means riding the train right after school because otherwise I won't make it in time and I just have zero motivation for it.

Thursday 20.04.23

I have been trying to get HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) for almost a year now starting with calling therapists trying to get an appointment and then trying to make an appointment at an endocronoligist which had a 5 month waiting time and then some back and forth because for some reason they send the results of my blood tests to my general practitioner doctor and not just to me so I had to get there and then when I asked for another appointment to get the prescription they gave me a date in another 4 months maybe assuming I was already on HRT as that appointment was for a control bloodtest.
But regardless of all of that nonsense. I finally today got an email telling me I can pick up the prescription which I will probably do on monday.
So after all of this waiting I can finally start.
The weird thing is while I am excited and mostly relieved I can finally start I thought I would react strong to getting HRT. Maybe it's because I still don't quite have it and don't want to get my hopes up in case something goes wrong, maybe I'm also just generally to tired at the moment for this. But it's still weird.

Though I'm definitely not questioning whether I want this as I'm sure of that.
I have also felt for a while like I haven't really started my life yet. Like I'm still in the character creation screen and haven't started the damn game yet.
It's not that I don't enjoy life at all or don't value it it's just that sometimes it feels like my life living as who I truly am can only start soon.
Though I don't know if that's really true. I mean HRT won't automatically fix everything of course, I know that. And I mean who knows maybe I won't actually feel all that different after all. But at least I will probably like my body a little more.

Also I found some really cool muppets collage wallpapers like this one on pinterest